吳詩綺老師的教學部落格

Being forever young is most people's dream,and I am not exceptional.In these past few centuries,many emperor have tried hard to find ways in order to be longevity.Everyone would afraid the pain,the suffering of death or maybe ,we would be unable to talk to our family,and we are not sure where would we be.

I am a girl who have always been dreaming many dreams,I dreamed of being a doctor,a flight attendant or a movie star.Of course, many of them are just considered impractical.The reason I like them is that I would have beautiful appearance or even a luxury life.But,the most important of all,I didn't consider whether I will be happy if I do those jobs,maybe I was just pursuing the surface.

Growing along age,I found most of them are impossible and never be so greedy.I have to make decision , cause the fish and the Bear's paws cannot have both After thinking deeply repeatedly, I thought that no matter which job I would do in the future,I must find a way which can make me more mature.

Just as most people, I want to be forever young, but the premise is the age I wanna be is older than I am now .I am a person who just trapped by some pressures,including grades, peer group and many trivial things.Maybe,one day I would be a real independent person.I can do whatever I want after growing up.But,not to be too old!

The age of 22 would be my best choice. That would be the age of realizing dreams, or maybe,can reach the highest point of life. Although the recession is an annoying problem for many young people,it causes high unemployment rate.With the advantage of being an young person ,I would rather face the challenge than sit and wait dying. The thing that acct-rats me is traveling around the world.Seven wonders of the world would be my first stop.In Egypt, I could explore treasures of ancient Egyptian royalty. After arriving China,I could feel the magnificent view from top of the wall.
"A person should visit all of seven wonders once in a life."It is a concept that influences me a lot,and it is also the strength that help me make through all the problems I am facing.

Studying abroad is also the dream that I've always wanted to achieve.The way that western people educate their citizens is the thing I appreciate.So,in order to make it come true,I also have to accomplish a necessary mission-the TOEFL. As the saying goes"no pain no gain",there must be some Obstacles I have to cross

A youth person should not hide away from problems.Though the path beyond us is not always flat and even can cause me fell down.But,I won't break down by these annoying things.With the strength to carry on,I would make it through by myself.

22,the age of exploration,it may be the busiest stage of my life,but I believe that it is also a time which enriches my experience and develop my field of vision.Let me equip myself during this time and just expect the sweet fruit after my efforts!

 
[Sunny 評語]

1. 承真很努力利用了第三次修改的機會，讓自己得到六分唷。
2. 雖然文中仍有文法錯誤，但是值得注意得地方是文中他明白點出來22 歲的特殊處，他在這個年紀打算做些什麼的具體作為。
3. 因此，本文符合主題，當你要挑選一個年紀，你得說服讀者，為什麼是22, 不是24 不是 32。你可以具體說明22的處境會是什麼，而你自己的打算計畫會是什麼。
4. 終歸一句，具體、切實，是好文的要素。